


Things My Heart Still Needs To Know

by blaindersonkummel



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-04 00:39:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blaindersonkummel/pseuds/blaindersonkummel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Still broken up from November (but still best friends), Kurt is helping Blaine to pack up the last of his things before he joins Kurt in New York. But whilst packing, Kurt makes a discovery that will lead him to see Blaine in a completely new light, and find out the truth about their time at Dalton Academy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things My Heart Still Needs To Know

**Author's Note:**

> View on Tumblr [here](http://blaindersonkummel.tumblr.com/post/54944169592/klaine-fic-things-my-heart-still-needs-to-know).

It was the week before NYADA classes resumed when Kurt found it.

Blaine was finally coming to New York, and Kurt had spent the last two days helping him pack up the last of the things he was taking with him. In reality, they still hadn’t quite gotten past everything yet, and they still weren’t together. And, well, because of this, Kurt was never quite sure if Blaine’s fantasy of NYADA had always been a keen interest, or simply a way of getting closer to Kurt again.

But now that Blaine had been accepted to college, Kurt wasn’t too sure he cared anymore. He loved having Rachel and Santana with him in the big city, but with Blaine and Artie now moving out there too, he was just excited for some male company again. Besides, Blaine practically buzzed with excitement every time the school was mentioned in conversation. After all, performing was Blaine’s dream too – something that Kurt had always known, even from the day they met.

-

Having briefly discussed their options, the boys had decided it would be best for Blaine to live in the NYADA dorms for the first term. Then, maybe after a while, they would see how he settled in to New York, before considering shared life in the loft. It was just the easiest choice for two best friends who happened to date each other for a year and a half.

So, on the third day of helping to pack, Kurt was beginning to sift through the very last pieces he found in Blaine’s draws, tucked inside his closet, and under his bed. He found 7 mis-matched socks, a broken picture frame with the stock image still slotted in, and the remains of what may have once been an apple core down the side of the bed (Kurt had used gloves for that one). Even after three days of keepsakes and memories, however, nothing could prepare Kurt for what he found next.

Blaine had taken a short break to make them some snacks whilst he allowed Kurt to rummage through his closet and choose the outfits that didn’t make Kurt want to burn every article of clothing he disapproved of. He had been rummaging for ten minutes when he moved on to the wardrobe’s inbuilt drawers. Kurt had to supress a laugh when he opened the top drawer, only to reveal a neatly organised divider of bow ties. He was beginning to organise the first pile when he spotted it; a small red notebook hidden at the back of the drawer. Curious to know more, with fumbling fingers he was eventually able to extricate the book from the drawer, and look at it properly.

Every page was filled with writing; slanted and rushed in longhand. Kurt would recognise that hasty scrawl anywhere. Flicking quickly, he noticed that the top corner of each page contained a date; it must have been Blaine’s diary. Instantly unsure of his own personal boundaries, Kurt went to close it and put it back. But then something caught his eye: it was his own name.

Kurt pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and thought for a moment. On the one hand, this was Blaine’s private property and he had no rights to read it, no matter how much he wanted to. On the other hand, though, they had never had secrets between each other. In fact, it had been that particular pact that had caused Blaine to tell Kurt about cheating on him the first moment he could. They were too close to keep their feelings unknown, and apparently Blaine’s feelings in this diary concerned Kurt. So he made up his mind. Frantically trying to find the place he had just lost, Kurt realised he simply had to read it. And he knew exactly what date to start on. His hands shook in excitement to turn to one particular page, and he began to read.

_November 9 th, 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was… well, interesting. I met someone at school this afternoon, just before Warblers practice. His name is Kurt. He’s not even new to the school. Apparently he was there to spy on us from another school in Lima, but clearly he wasn’t very good at it. I guess I should be annoyed, really. But I’m not. In fact, he’s really nice. We had coffee together, and we talked for hours. He’s been having trouble with bullies and teachers recently, so I knew exactly how he’s feeling. And the more he talked, the more I wanted to listen. It was as though I was finally speaking to someone who really understood what I went through all those years ago. I think he thought I was giving him advice. Really, he was probably the one who helped me today. I’ve kept this bullying thing bottled up way too long now, and this may have just been the push I needed to begin to move on properly and finally get it out in the open._

_I guess he sort of intrigued me. There was just something about him that made me want to forget everything and never look back. I’m starting to think that maybe now is the time for a new me, and he helped me see that. I gave him my number and told him to call me any time he wants. I just really hope I’ll have an excuse to talk to him again soon. The least I can do is to be there for him when it eventually gets as bad as it did for me. I don’t want him to go through the pain I did all those years ago._

Kurt scanned the page too quickly a few times to take it all in, before letting out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding in. So this was Blaine’s first impression of him, on the day they met. Kurt’s hands had gone numb, but now he was more intrigued than ever. Blaine really seemed to believe that Kurt had helped him that day. It was as though Kurt was seeing Blaine for the first time all over again.  _I can’t stop now_ , he thought to himself, as he turned to a few more entries for dates he had catalogued in his brain.

 

_November 30 th, 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_This whole week has just been crazy. First off: Monday. Monday was Kurt’s first official day at Dalton (with a proper uniform this time!). It wasn’t such a great day. It started with a string of flashbacks to my own school transfer, and I kind of had a mini panic attack in the bathroom before Kurt found me and I had to pretend everything was fine. Then Warblers practice wasn’t much better. I had to sit and watch all of Kurt’s ideas get shot down for sectionals by the council and, yet again, it reminded me of my first week, when my showtunes suggestion was laughed at. That was closely followed by yet another panic attack in the bathrooms. I really thought I was starting to get over this. I just felt so sorry for Kurt by the end of that day. I get it. I know how overwhelming that place can be, and it kind of set me off. But I’m okay now; I just needed to stay grounded for Kurt this week. So to welcome him properly, I talked the council into giving him a solo audition._

_And that was when I heard him sing. WOW. I mean wow. So I knew he’d been in show choir for a year but I wasn’t prepared for_ that _. He’s got such amazing talent; I’ve never heard anyone as heavenly as him. I swear I closed my eyes and could visualise him surrounded by clouds, playing a harp or something. So that was how I had my first big fight with Wes and David. They were refusing to give the ‘new guy’ a chance. Pretty sure they have no idea what they’re saying. Kurt seemed pretty upset by it, but I think he understands. And now, yet again, it’s all down to me to pull us through sectionals this week. Here’s hoping the new number will be good enough to actually get us through this time. *fingers crossed*_

Kurt remembers that whole week vividly. Even now he sometimes doesn’t believe he really made it out of Mckinley to Dalton. But this diary was tangible proof that not only did Blaine believe Kurt really was good enough for that solo, he had even called him ‘heavenly’. This was all getting far too interesting now; Kurt had to keep reading. So he flicked through a few more pages and found what he was looking for.

 

_December 24 th, 2010_

_Dear Diary,_

_It’s officially Christmas in 28 minutes!!!!! (…and I still have half of dad’s presents left to wrap, so I’ll make this one quick). Tonight was my debut at the King’s Island Christmas Spectacular performance with Kelly. Mom and Dad both came and even Cooper called to wish me luck. The show went really well, and everyone loved it. There was just one problem. I seriously wish Kelly had bothered to show up to rehearsals a bit more beforehand. That way she wouldn’t have given me an aneurysm when she was learning the words to the second verse of ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ half an hour before we were due on stage. I guess Kurt made a pretty good point the other day; it really was a shame he couldn’t have sung that song with me instead. He’s still a much better singer than Kelly will ever be, anyway. I guess I’ll just have to make him my new duet partner now, instead._

Kurt was beaming as he clutched the notebook to his heart and sighed. That had been an amazing week. Kurt was finally settling in to Dalton, and he was finally starting to realise his feelings for Blaine. The flirty duets had been great, but the coffee ‘dates’ and Christmas shopping days spent together had been even better. But it was this thought that made Kurt’s heart stop, the smile on his face instantly replaced with a feeling of dread when he turned to his next memorable date: Valentine’s Day. In contrast, this had been the worst week of his Junior year. Blaine had broken Kurt’s heart by unsuccessfully serenading Jeremiah for Valentine’s Day, and Kurt had finally laid out his feelings to a completely oblivious Blaine. But even through all this, Kurt simply couldn’t stop reading now, so he went on.

 

_February 14 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_So the Jeremiah idea completely flopped, and I didn’t stop moaning about it for days. But then yesterday sort of changed everything. Now I feel like such an asshole. And slightly confused. After such a short time together, I know Kurt is my best friend, and we always share everything. The fact that he had to find out about Jeremiah like this was probably a really dick move when we usually tell each other everything. And then to hear how Kurt really feels was the verbal slap I needed to stop doing what I’m doing; to stop going after guys that want nothing to do with me. But then there’s Kurt. Of course I care for him, and he’s so beautiful and charming, but we’re just friends. And as long as I have a best friend that cares enough for me as much as Kurt does, I’m always going to be happy. I don’t want to mess this up again._

Kurt’s wiping away a few stray tears now, vision blurring as wet drops hit the page and he sniffles into the sleeve of his NYADA hoodie… Because he knows what’s still to come.

_February 27 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_So, turns out, when a guy I like doesn’t return the feelings, I make out with girls. I suppose it’s not like I’ve never been curious, just like any straight kid. But the point is, I was drunk and sloppy and things with Rachel spiralled way too quickly. As if I didn’t already hurt Kurt enough recently, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never talked to me again. I know I completely lashed out at him. It’s not that he’s being misunderstanding about my sexuality confusions; I think the real issue here is that Rachel and I are two of his best friends. And after what Kurt confessed, I definitely shouldn’t have done that right under his nose at Rachel’s party. I mean, Rachel’s cool. I love hanging out with her and talking about Broadway, and fashion. But then I also do that with Kurt. We really should hang out more as a group. In fact, I don’t know why it took them so long to become friends, to be honest. They’re basically just genderswapped versions of each other._

There was a big gap here, and then, right at the bottom of the page, Blaine had scribbled a few more words:

_Maybe that’s why I went after her and not him…_

Kurt’s breath hitched at that final sentence, and he instantly found himself blushing like he was sixteen years old again. He was starting to see where Blaine’s mind was taking him over time, as he denied his feelings for Kurt for so long. It had been true that Kurt found himself getting more attached to Rachel when he was desperate for some kind of reciprocated feelings from Blaine. And all three of them did have a weird bond over similar things. He’d just never really thought about it until now. Moving on, he turned to the next entry he found with his name in, and held his breath.

 

_March 8 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_This week has been a nightmare, trying to find a number for Regionals. On Wednesday Kurt and I were at the Lima Bean when we ran into one of his old teachers. So that was the weirdest experience of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite like this woman. Whatever. Point is, she tipped us off. **SEXY.**_

(Blaine had underlined this word about 20 times, clearly trying to make a point).

_If we want to win, we’ve got to be sexy. So, that’s what we’ve been doing with the Warblers. Kurt happened to be listening to the new Neon Trees album when I brought this up with him and he had the perfect suggestion for a song: ‘Animal’. And as good as Kurt is with song selections, turns out… he’s not too great at acting sexy._

(Kurt furrowed his eyebrows and huffed out an annoyed laugh at that.)

_The thing is, I don’t want him to think he’s **not**  sexy. Because he totally is. He just doesn’t believe he can be. He overcompensates for everything. And I just want to tell him that he really is sexy. He’s at his sexiest when he doesn’t try; when he’s just sitting reading a book in the library, when we’re eating lunch outside and the sun catches his face. When he starts babbling and blushing about “ **those movies** ”? Definitely sexy._

_He just doesn’t see it. And I wish he would._

By now, if Kurt still had any worries about reverting back to his whole ‘baby penguin’ thing, that last part just cleared any doubts he might have ever have even had in the future. Because Blaine didn’t see a baby penguin. It was as though this whole time he was looking  _at_  Kurt, but he still hadn’t really  _seen_  him yet. Instead, there was still something that just had to nudge him in the right direction, and Kurt’s heart stopped as he turned to the final few pages.

 

_March 12 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_So right now, we’re stuck. We’re in desperate need of a number for regionals, and apparently I’ve lost touch with what the Warblers are really about. Kurt thinks I’m making the group all about me. Am I really that self-centred? The last thing I want is for Kurt to think that. I mean, I’d do anything to put his ideas before mine. That’s just what’s best for the team… right?_

_March 13 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,  
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.  
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

_I guess I’m finally free._

_March 14 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_Looks like there’s going to be a duet at regionals._

_Thank you Pav, I promise your death won’t be in vain._

_March 15 th, 2011_

_Dear Diary,_

_He could be the one. I think I’ve found the love of my life._

Kurt had reached the final page of writing, but he still continued to flick through the last few sheets aimlessly, disbelieving. He sniffed loudly and sat down on the bed, burying his head in his hands and letting the tears fall. That was the moment when he heard feet shuffling into the room and a voice saying, “Okay, so I know you only like the organic stuff but I haven’t been to the store yet and-”

Then Blaine was in the doorway, a trembling tray of food in his hands and a ghostly complexion. He had spotted the diary.

“Kurt? I-” he muttered, rushing to put the tray on the nearest surface and kneeling down to look into Kurt’s eyes, “I just- I can explain. I-”

Kurt looked up, tear tracks on his cheeks and his hands grasping the book. He saw the sheer look of concern and panic on Blaine’s face, and that was when he knew. The look of love in Blaine’s eyes melted Kurt from the inside out and he knew those eyes were the only things he ever wanted to see again. It was like he was seeing Blaine for the first time all over again.

He dropped the book on the floor and, without thinking, leaned forward and crashed their lips together in an earth-shattering kiss. Blaine was so taken aback, he nearly lost his balance. But then Kurt wrapped his arms around his neck and Blaine found himself kissing back with even more passion, hands coming up to cup Kurt’s cheek. After some time, they broke apart, but Kurt kept their foreheads together, eyes closed, trying to remember this moment forever.

“Please tell me I’m not dreaming right now. Please tell me this means what I think it means.”

Kurt laughed and opened his eyes, staring straight back into Blaine’s and hoping he could put as many unsaid things as he could into this moment.

“Oh, there you are, Blaine Warbler. I’ve been looking for you forever.”


End file.
